Did you know that gaslighting was the Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s word of the year for 2022?
But what does gaslighting actually mean?
Gaslighting is often used in the context of ‘talking behind someone’s back’. But gaslighting is much more sinister than that.
Gaslighting is about manipulating someone so badly that they question their own sanity or reality. It is abuse plain and simple. You don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore. It is a tactic used by a narcissist or abuser over a period of time to gain control over their victim who ends up questioning the validity of their own thoughts. It causes the victim to become more and more dependent on their abuser. Essentially it is all about control and power over another person.
Gaslighting is emotional abuse where the abuser is constantly re-writing the narrative so the victim loses touch with what is real and what is not. The word gaslight comes from a 1938 play, a crime thriller, where a husband manipulates his wife’s reality so badly, she begins to believe she is going mad.
If somebody is regularly telling you a version of “you made me do this” please look more closely at what is going on.
When someone is gaslighting you they will be lying to you and it is done so openly and blatantly you believe it. If you question it though, the gaslighter will tell you some version of ‘that never happened’ so that over time you don’t know if it happened or not. The gaslighter manipulates others to change their opinion of you too. You become more and more isolated.
When you do try to respond you are ignored or distracted from the issue at hand and what you feel or think is minimised or trivialised. The truth is manipulated so that you take the blame for things you’ve never done. The manipulator is making you the bad guy, changing every story to make you the perpetrator whilst telling you how much they care about you.
As a victim of gaslighting your entire world can change including your mental health. You may get anxiety or depression. You may even have suicidal thoughts. Understand this: if your mental health is deteriorating and you can’t clearly see the reason why, you may be the victim of gaslighting by someone you are in a relationship with, by a family member or a work colleague.
Here are 15 signs someone is gaslighting you
1. Things seem really off but you can’t put your finger on why
You think to yourself things like, ‘what is going on?’. ‘Maybe I overreacted’. ‘maybe I’m too sensitive’ ‘He’s being so nice now, I must have got it wrong before’.
2. You are confused.
It’s confusing because your abuser is kind and cruel and loving and hateful. They fabricate stories and when you react badly, they tell you that you are ‘unstable’ for getting emotional about their lies.
3. You get smaller and quieter over time.
This happens because you have become very unsure of what is real and what’s not, of who is on your side and who is not. When you speak up you genuinely don’t feel you will be supported.
4. You are walking on eggshells around this person.
Walking on eggshells happens because it is not safe for you to be yourself. You can’t speak up, you can’t have an opinion, you don’t know what their reaction is going to be from one moment to the next.
5. Your intuition tells you something is off.
Intuition is everything. Just by being around this person you feel like something isn’t right. You can feel it in your gut.
6. You begin to accept abuse.
The behaviors you once knew to be wrong are minimised and you are told it was ‘just a joke’ or ‘you are being too sensitive’. You lose your sense of right and wrong.
7. You say “I’m sorry” too much.
This is very common, you end up apologising just for existing. You are worried about what is going to happen next and you are constantly trying to get back to safety.
8. Isolation from friends, family, and support systems.
You become more and more isolated because you’ve lost your voice. You are not heard. You become a shell of your former self. Your self-confidence is dropping and it’s harder to connect with people who start to believe what your abuser is telling them, that you are “highly emotional”, “overly sensitive” and “unstable”
9. Loss of self awarness.
Your sense of who you are is slowly destroyed because an abuser constantly tells you who they think you are and you finally begin to believe what you are told. “I am stupid”, “I am wrong”, “I am ugly”, “I am overweight” etc.
10. You believe you can never be good enough.
You’ve lost your true self in all the lies and manipulation and you believe this new story about who you are.
11. Self doubting.
You doubt your own memory because you have no idea what’s right or wrong any more.
12. You worry there’s something fundamentally wrong with you:
In other words, you worry that you are not well mentally.
13. Indecision
You find it hard to make decisions because you have lost trust in yourself and your ability to get anything right.
14. You remember the old you and you know how much you’ve changed.
You know you used to have an opinion and felt comfortable speaking up. It’s clear you’re not doing that anymore.
15. Your Mental health suffers.
Your mental health is failing and you are anxious and/or depressed. Nobody finds themselves with poor mental health for no reason. There’s always a reason. If you are anxious or depressed and struggling with a manipulative person, reach out for help.
Here’s What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You
If someone is gaslighting you in a relationship, here are five ways to change the situation:
Give yourself some space
Space is crucial because being gaslit is confusing and emotionally draining. Allow space away from the gaslighter so you can get a clearer perspective on what’s actually going on. Take a break, get out into nature, really breathe and ground yourself and clear your mind.
Keep a record of what’s going on
It’s much harder to manipulate someone who is keeping records! Save every text, email. Start a daily journal of what has been said and by who. Gaslighters depend on you losing your mind and questioning reality, so collect evidence. It allows you to keep in touch with the truth.
Let somebody else know what is happening.
This is important because often the more isolated we get, the harder it is to get outside help. Allowing somebody else to hear the truth about what is going on for you will give you a different perspective. If you don’t have somebody you can trust, find a trauma-informed therapist and get professional advice.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
Putting boundaries in a relationship is the most important thing you will ever do. Boundaries let others know what you will and won’t accept from them. When you are clear about boundaries from the very beginning you are much less likely to ever become the target of gaslighting because you will see the red flags more quickly. As soon as somebody evokes that feeling of ‘something’s not right’, they belittle your opinion or you know they’ve told a lie, it is so much easier to let that person go from your life before it gets out of hand.
Go no contact.
Yes, even if this is a family member. Leave a romantic relationship where gaslighting is involved. The perpetrators of this type of manipulative behaviour are very unlikely to change and whilst leaving is hard, staying is so much harder in the long term.
If you suspect that you are experiencing gaslighting, you may find it helpful to talk to a mental health professional.
Getting help allows you to learn more about the situation, gain perspective, and develop new coping strategies.
Gaslighting is a favourite tactic of the narcissistic personality. To find out if you are spending time with a narcissist go to https://howmyparentsraisedme.com/21-ways-to-spot-a-narcissist/
