17 Signs You Are A People Pleaser
What is People Pleasing?
If you grew up in a difficult home environment, people-pleasing is your need to create safety.
People-pleasing can be a response to something as simple as parents with high expectations or rigid rules. Your younger self needed to feel safe and you learnt that when you did the right thing, your parents were happy with you and you felt safe.
When you grow up in a chaotic home and you feel unsafe for much of the time, your nervous system is constantly looking for safety. You will be consciously or unconsciously wanting things to go well. You want to avoid upset, drama or triggers. You want good, safe interactions.
You may have learnt people pleasing as a response to your environment growing up. ‘If Mom and Dad are happy and pleased, I am safe’.
You followed the rules, did the right thing and were as pleasing as possible to keep the peace. And this has become the way you learnt to operate over the course of your life.
What are 17 signs I am a people pleaser?
If you are unsure if you fit into the People Pleaser category here are 17 signs you are a people pleaser.
1 You need everyone to like you
You need people to see you as pleasing. You want to be liked. When you are liked there is less chance you will have to deal with drama or disappointment. When people are upset, your nervous system is on high alert. You may be triggered. You do your best to ensure everything runs smoothly and you try to be the person everybody likes… even the people YOU don’t like!
2 You say sorry… a lot!
If you say ‘sorry’ for everything, even things that are not your fault, you are constantly trying to bring your environment back to neutral. Apologising is like waving a white flag and shouting “nothing to see here!” It becomes an overused default mechanism within your life. Start becoming aware of how often you apologise. How many times a day you say “sorry”. You might be surprised at why and to whom you are apologising.
3 You say yes a lot!
You say ‘yes’ and agree to do everything you are asked. You take on a million projects, you volunteer, you look after other people’s kids, dogs, lives. The more you can manage to do, the more pleasing you will be.
4 You want everyone to be happy & kind
When everyone is happy, you can be happy. When others are kind to you, you see that as safety.
5 You need others to tell you you’re good enough
You rely on other people to give you feelings of self worth. You don’t generate self worth from within. You need approval from others and you need it in every situation. Pleasing others is how you get your feelings of self worth.
6 You have few or no boundaries
If your first question is ‘what’s a boundary?’ Listen up! If you grew up in a home where your emotional and physical agency was within the control of others, where you were manipulated, physically abused, neglected or abandoned, you essentially had no boundaries. You weren’t taught that what you needed was important. Your mind and body was not your own. Learning to put a boundary around your needs and the needs of others is so important to healing. When you agree to do what others want and put your own needs last, you are a people pleaser, desperate for boundaries.
7 You fix and save
Your life revolves around helping others to fix their problems and issues and save them from disaster. You can think of nothing better than sitting down with a friend and hearing their dramas and discussing solutions. You feel the weight of other people’s problems and you give out your time, energy and love. You have empathy for everyone and every situation. It’s another way you keep people happy and you do this before you ever think about your own needs.
8 You hate rejection
Rejection is hard for you. You were rejected by the very people who were meant to love and cherish you the most. Rejection feels unsafe and in order to avoid rejection you will do whatever you are asked, just to keep the peace and avoid your own feelings of self worth ending up in the gutter.
9 You bend and shape shift yourself into every situation
Do you find yourself being a different version of YOU to fit in with different social groups? Are you one person with your mother, another with a friend and yet another at work? This is a big clue that you are more concerned with being pleasing than being yourself.
10 You hate conflict
Conflict is your worst nightmare. If you are asked to do something, you will do it rather than push back because you don’t want to create conflict. Conflict takes you back to the past and it makes you feel worried or triggered. You will avoid conflict at all costs. Learning to deal with conflict in a positive way is possible.
11 You were always the good girl
Was this you? The rule follower. The child whose purpose it was to make everyone else feel comfortable? The child who smiled and did everything right? Good girls grow up into people pleasers, until they learn they no longer need to be perfect.
12 You don’t want to disappoint anyone
Disappointing another person feels unsafe, deep in your unconscious mind. You are left wondering ‘what will happen next?’. Just like you did as a child when you disappointed a parent. Your goal is to ensure nobody is ever disappointed if you can possibly help it. You will agree when you don’t agree and you do things for others you have no time for.
13 You put what others need before yourself
Putting other people first is keeping the peace. Who cares what I need? If YOU are happy, I am safe. You get used to ensuring everybody else’s needs are met first. You don’t accept praise easily and you will dismiss kind words in a heartbeat. Sometimes you will even accept the blame for things that don’t belong to you. You are not important after all. You are last on your own list. And that is exhausting!
14 You have no self love
When you constantly put yourself last you are not in a place of self-love. Loving yourself means listening to what you need and giving it to yourself. Caring for yourself everyday. If you put other people’s needs first you are not living in self love. Self care is not selfish! It is necessary.
15 You are a perfectionist
Kids who struggle in a difficult home environment can become perfectionists. It’s a bit like people-pleasing, but you are concentrating on how to do everything perfectly in order to remain safe. Being as perfect as possible will reduce the chance of conflict and punishment. If you struggle with perfectionism you are also often people-pleasing.
16 You don’t speak up when you disagree
Have you had things you’ve wanted to say for years and never given yourself permission to say them? You are people pleasing! You have a right to an opinion. You have a right to speak your truth. If somebody else doesn’t agree, that’s okay. But pleasing them through never speaking up is not good for your mental, emotional and physical health.
17 You are overly sensitive to criticism
In your mind, if you can do everything right you won’t get criticised. Criticism feels unsafe. It can lead to anger and abuse and you will do anything to avoid it. You will ensure that what you do is pleasing enough to negate the need for criticism.
How Can I Stop Being A People Pleaser?
Here are some tips:
It’s time to put your needs first. Ask yourself “What Do I Need?”
Learn to say NO. Ask yourself “Is this what I really want?”
Learn to give yourself love and care. Ask yourself “What can I do for myself today to give myself love and care?”
Learn to create boundaries that work for you. Ask yourself “What is best for me in this situation?
People pleasing is simply exhausting and changing old habits will not happen overnight. Being aware that you are in people pleasing mode is the very first step to change. Awareness is key.
You might like this! What Creates A People Pleaser?
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