Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists?
‘You may start out as the love of their life but slowly you will become the person who cannot do or be good enough’
If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, at what point did you begin to understand how much your life had been affected by this relationship?
For many women growing up with a narcissistic mother, they do not see what has happened to them until much later in life. The manipulation and the brainwashing are real. You find yourself in a parallel universe where nothing makes sense. You are cut off from family and friends and you are isolated and lost.
Many people spend a lifetime battling the effects of growing up with a narcissistic mother. And because of the deep conditioning to the narcissistic parent, the real tragedy for women in this situation is that the narcissist is very familiar. When the narcissist shows up later in life as a potential romantic partner, it feels right. It feels familiar. And we are drawn in.
I have heard from some incredible women on the podcast who have told this exact story. Take a listen to THIS EPISODE!
Narcissistic behavior is projected by people who have very low self esteem. The narcissist compensates for those feelings by trying to make themselves seem more powerful or important than they actually are.
Your tendency to continuously attract the narcissist back into your life is because:
1 You have been trained to placate and flatter your narcissistic mother and you continue this behavior as an adult in every relationship. The narcissist will be drawn to you because they love the attention.
2 You continue attracting narcissists because you tolerate behavior that others wouldn’t because it is familiar from childhood. Most people spot those red flags early on, but you don’t.
Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists?
So why do women, who have grown up with a toxic, manipulative mother, become attracted to, potentially, a series of narcissistic personalities in the dating world?
1 The narcissist is attractive, charming and familiar
You initially see this as enticing. It feels right. But the narcissistic cycle of love bombing, devaluation, discard and hoovering will begin soon enough. This will feel familiar. You have already experienced a lifetime of this manipulation. Women can remain in this cycle of toxic abuse for many years before they see what is happening.
2 You are repeating toxic patterns from childhood
You have certain needs you want met. The narcissistic personality fills those needs. As a child you were taught by a narcissist how the world works, and you continue to operate in the world within that scope of understanding. If you were taught you needed to be pleasing to receive love, this works well. You want to please and the narcissist wants you at his beck and call. You are both getting your needs met. It makes perfect sense to both of you.
3 You have low self esteem
You believe you are worthless because you have been told this your entire life. The narcissist will continue to show you how worthless you are in the way he treats you. And you will continue to believe you deserve this treatment, either consciously or subconsciously. You will be put down, de-valued and treated as worthless and whilst you may not like it, it is all you’ve ever known.
4 Codependence
As the child of a narcissist your coping mechanism was co-dependence. Your sense of self was merged with the narcissist parent and you believed it was your responsibility to take care of their needs. You don’t know any different. You always put yourself last.
5 You are empathic
The narcissist is drawn to your deeply caring nature. You have been trained to be the person the narcissist is most happy spending their time with. You allow them to be the center of attention, you put their needs first, you fix and save them from their problems, and they are in heaven.
6 You are used to being dominated
You have been dominated your entire life and you continue to allow your partner to dominate you. The narcissist needs to dominate and you are comfortable in that role. It’s all you’ve ever known, but it is a pattern that needs to be broken.
7 You believe their lies
You have been manipulated and lied to so much that it is impossible to spot a lie any more. The narcissist is a master liar and manipulator and they continue to get their way and live their best life whilst you continue to believe everything that comes out of their mouth.
4 Tips to break the cycle of narcissistic abuse
1 Learn to set boundaries
Boundaries are life-changers and when you have grown up with a narcissist you have not been taught boundaries. The narcissist expects you to follow their rules, regardless of whether this is good for you. Start journaling on questions such as “what do I want?” “who am I?”. Gain a greater understanding of yourself. It is really important. Put new rules in place for what you will and won’t accept from the people in your life, including the narcissist. Create the boundary, hold the boundary. Be firm.
2 Learn to spot the red flags
Awareness here is key. Not everybody is missing the red flags the narcissist is waving around. Get curious about narcissists. Google, read books, listen to podcasts and find out exactly what you need to know to beat them at their own game. Here’s a super valuable podcast episode to start with HERE!
3. Learn self love and self worth
Narcissists are drawn to people they can easily manipulate. They are not interested in strong people who value themselves. When you begin to love yourself and see your worth you become much harder to manipulate. You have boundaries, beliefs, expectations. The narcissist begins to lose control over you and you will find your freedom. THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE PODCAST TO LISTEN TO
4. Find a narcissist coach
It’s so important to seek professional support when you cannot get out of the narcissistic cycle of abuse. A coach can help you get to the root cause of why you remain in this cycle and show you ways to build self love and boundaries.
You are drawn to the narcissistic personality because it is familiar and comfortable. You grew up with it and you are drawn back into the cycle over and over again. Finding a coach, doing your research, setting boundaries and learning to love YOU are the most important steps you will ever take towards a life free of the narcissist.
You will LOVE this episode of the podcast too.
