Being a ‘good little girl’ was praised from as far back as I can remember.
Do the right thing and you’re ‘good’. Show your real feelings and you’re most likely going to be labelled ‘bad’, ‘shameful’, ‘naughty’ or ‘less than’.
Crying, shouting, anger or refusal to follow all the rules would put you into the ‘bad’ category when much of that behavior was simply a cry for help. It was a need to be heard. ‘If you can’t hear me, I will scream louder!’
For centuries, women have been taught that in order to be ‘good’ we must be quiet, polite, small, subservient . That’s what makes us valuable and pleasing.
We might not be wearing corsets, bodices and floor length dresses anymore, but we are often just as restricted by expectation.
“What will people think?” has driven so much of our parents’ thinking, because it was passed down to them over generations in such hysterical ways.
“What will people think?” is like a blueprint you need to follow to be successful, whether you like it or not, whether it suits you or is damaging to your health. You must be seen to be kind, nice, study, work hard, find your prince, get married and have 2.4 kids and be the perfect homemaker whilst holding down a job and being an incredible Mom. It’s so much!
And that’s why we pack our true feelings away and become “good”. Because we are given such high expectations to live up to. We bury how we REALLY FEEL in order to be seen as ‘good’. We bury, dissociate, disconnect from who we really are, in order to keep this suffocating dream alive.
We are told to be strong women, but not too strong. We are told to have an opinion, but don’t say it too loudly, let others speak first and be accepting of what others have to say. We become so focused on achieving what we are told to achieve, we never look at what actually makes us happy!
And this conditioning doesn’t stop when we become adults. It runs so deep. We continue doing and being what our parents, teachers and society have ingrained in us… that being seen as good is more valuable than authenticity or truth.
Here are 16 signs you are still trying to be a good little girl
1. You Rarely Offer An Opinion
You have had something to say for the past five, ten or twenty years and you’ve never allowed yourself to say it. Your opinion has been squashed along with your confidence to speak it. What are you desperate to share? What needs to be said?
Actually… Your opinion matters. Breathe and say what’s on your heart. Speak confidently and allow yourself to release the truth.
2. You Do Things Because It’s The ‘Right Thing’ To Do
Not because you want to do them. You follow the rules of your family, religion, society, because this will make you good enough for everyone around you, when none of this is in alignment with who you actually are.
Actually… Go back to what do I believe? What do I want to do? What’s important to me?
3. You Are Still People Pleasing
You don’t express your real emotions, you don’t speak too loudly and you never sound bossy. You need people to see you as pleasing and valuable.
Actually… Living your life in this space will kill you. You are valuable just by existing. Express yourself loudly and love yourself fully.
4. You Never Push Yourself Forward
Backing yourself or discussing what you’ve achieved is ‘self serving’ and distasteful. You don’t push yourself forward or sing your own praises. You will brag on behalf of someone else but never yourself.
Actually… Be your own biggest cheerleader! Share what you’re doing. Connect and give others the chance to hear what you’re doing and support you.
5. You Like To Look Pleasing
Feminine and pleasing to the eye, you like to fit in. You wear the right clothes and makeup. Your hair is done. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all good if this is important to you and you do it for yourself. But check in and ask yourself, who do I need to look good for?
Actually… Relax. You don’t need to have it altogether in every moment. Allow yourself chill-out days, top knot bun days, no makeup days, sweats and runners days.
6. You Put Yourself Last
The Good Girl never goes first. She ensures everybody else is taken care of first. Even when she is exhausted and her health is failing. Because it’s not a good look to go first and you don’t deserve to go first right?
Actually… Ask yourself everyday “what do I need?” “what is good for me?” Prioritise your needs. You are your own priority.
7. You Are Anxious To Stay In The Perfect Zone
You feel anxious. You want to achieve, but you don’t want to seem pushy. You have ideas, but you don’t want to push them onto anyone. You constantly look to the outside for approval.
Actually… The perfect zone is not where you want to spend your life. Spend it in the magical zone, the place where you are doing what sets your heart on fire! Think about what fills you up and do more of that.
8. You Strive For Things You Don’t Care About
You work hard to achieve a dream you know in your heart doesn’t mean much to you. It might be important to your Mother or Father. But in your heart of hearts you know you are going through the motions and there is very little passion there.
Actually… Life is too short to spend it fulfilling someone else’s dreams. Explore and find what brings you joy. And then do more and more of that.
9. You Get Sick A Lot
Are you battling chronic illness, a persistent skin rash, fatigue, depression, irritable bowel? Living in the ‘good girl’ space means living out of alignment with your true self. Living in stress and trauma. There is so much trauma being held inside when you are unable to live authentically.
Actually… Chronic illness is a huge red flag that you are not giving yourself permission to live authentically. It is a huge red flag to holding grief, trauma and toxicity. The trauma needs to be released. (episode link) and you need to find your authentic voice.
10. It’s Important To Be Popular
You are surrounded by many friends but deeply connected to few. You believe that being popular and fitting in will make you happy. We are trained to believe that being popular, having more likes, being the centre of attention is everything right?
Actually… If you find yourself lonely in a crowded room, you’re in the wrong room. If you are ‘living your best life’, but still feeling lonely, life is not a popularity contest. Connect to the people who back you, love you, hear you and vibe on a spiritual level.
11. You Feel No Joy
It’s hard to experience joy when you are living somebody else’s idea of what your life should be. You can’t feel joy when you are not doing things that make you happy.
Actually… It’s time to connect in with what brings you real joy and that can be totally unique to you.
12. You Do Not Stand In Your Power
You don’t feel personal power over your life. You’ve given it away. You let life happen to you rather than taking strong decisions and moving in the direction you know is best for you.
Actually… Personal power is everything. Take your power back.
13. You are Polite And Respectful Even When You Are Disrespected
You doubt yourself so much that you don’t push back when disrespected. You were taught that what you have to say is not important and so you will often go into freeze and allow disrespect rather than pushing back.
Actually… Push back. Speak up. Never allow disrespect.
14. You Are Always Busy
The good girl keeps herself busy. She is valuable when she is busy. She was taught that she needs to ‘do’ in order to be worthy and lovable and she will exhaust herself to ensure her value is on display.
Actually… You are valuable just for being you. You don’t need to achieve to have worth.
15. You Are A Stickler For Rules
If you are following all the rules you’re living up to your good girl expectations. A good girl is a rule follower!
Actually… Are the rules as important as you have been made to believe? Explore and question what you have been told is important
16. You Are Always In Control
Even if you are dying inside, you work hard to ensure you appear to have it altogether. Never allow the cracks to show. Put on a smile and get on with the show.
Actually… When you allow yourself to show your humanity you will be able to really connect in with others and you will be more likely to be authentic rather than pleasing.
15 Ways You Can Stop Being The Good Girl
1. Your opinion matters. Breathe and say what’s on your heart. Speak confidently and allow yourself to release the truth.
2. Question the beliefs you’ve held your entire life and decide if they are true. Decide if they serve you.
3. Stop being pleasing. Be real. Speak confidently. Say what’s on your mind. Express your true feelings.
4. Be proud of your achievements and don’t be afraid to give yourself a shout out. You’d do it for your best friend or your child, so why not yourself?
5. Try leaving the house feeling comfortable instead of perfect. Stop caring what other people think. If they are judging you, that’s their problem with judgement, not your problem for being yourself.
6. Start prioritising your needs, your wants and desires. Stop putting your life on the back burner. You are here to live your best life and you can’t do that if you always put yourself last.
7. Stop looking to others to tell you if you’re good enough. You are.
8. Journal these questions: How passionate am I about my job, my social life, my relationships, my future? If you are not feeling passion or joy, ask yourself why and start striving for things that are important to you.
9. If you are sick a lot, look for help to release that trauma in your body. Find ways to release every day. Exercise, journaling, meditation, whatever works for you.
10. Reassess your friendships. Who have you outgrown? Who do you need to see less of? Who lights your fire and fills you up? It’s not about being popular, it’s about being valued and loved.
11. What is your plan for the future? Do you have one? Are you getting dragged along in other people’s plans? What do you want to focus on and where do you want to go?
12. Never accept disrespect. What you have to say is important. You can disagree respectfully. You can disagree and still be friends.
13. Allow yourself time just to be. You don’t need to be busy 24/7. You are valuable just for being you. You don’t need to DO to be valuable. Take time out. Relax. Have fun. Life is meant to be joyful.
14. Ask yourself if the rules you are so hellbent on following are in alignment with who you are. If you never allow yourself to be late, relax that rule. It won’t hurt to get there ten minutes late. If you never allow yourself to spend money on yourself, relax. TREAT YOURSELF!
15. Let yourself be real. Show your vulnerability. Try new things and allow yourself to make mistakes.
In short, if you are still trying to be the good girl, you are probably exhausted. Exhausted from BEING something you are not. Perfect on the outside, lost on the inside.
Healing is coming back to the core version of YOU. Who you really are. Discovering the real you and what she actually feels, wants, desires, and allowing for that. Speaking up. Giving an opinion. Putting yourself, your needs and your sanity first. Re-assessing if you believe any of what you currently believe to be true.
Until you realise that it is possible to break free from the conditioning of the good girl and just BE yourself, you will be trapped in a life that was not meant for you.
