How To Stop A Fight
Growing up in a chaotic, abusive or abandoning home can leave you with deep-seated triggers that can cause you to go into fight mode when you feel scared or hurt. Although frustration is natural, engaging in fights is stressful and detrimental to you and your relationships with partners, friends and family. To avoid escalating conflicts, here are 3 important steps you can take to stop a fight.
Discuss these options calmly and openly with your partner or loved ones before a potential conflict arises. It is essential to reach an agreement on which option you both choose to handle disagreements and difficult situations. This proactive approach can foster understanding and ensure that you are on the same page when facing challenging moments, promoting healthier communication and conflict resolution.
How To Stop A Fight
3 Effective Strategies For Conflict Resolution
1. How To Stop A Fight – Why Am I Upset?
How To Stop A Fight…As soon as you find you are getting too confused or upset, before you scream, before you say horrid things that you will regret, take a deep breath and say “I am getting too upset. I just need a few minutes to calm down. I will be back in 10 minutes. Thank you.”
If that is too long, come up with a code word that you ONLY use when you are about to blow, so it needs to be an uncommon word. Agree to what it will be. And if you are about to blow, say it.
“Jelly roll.”
And WALK away to a separate room. Scream, yell, hit pillows, do whatever you need to do to get the frustration out. Don’t try to make yourself calm, get the frustration out. What you need to find is what is beneath the frustration. You are either SCARED or HURT. “Why am I so upset?”
Help yourself find which it is. And then come back when you are ready to step back in.
Thank your partner for the time out.
Tell them “Thank you for giving me that time. I know why I am so upset. Are you willing to sit down again?”
Wait for a yes.
“I felt hurt that you forgot my birthday. I felt like maybe, I wasn’t important.” And then begin again.
2. How To Stop a Fight – What Do I Know?
How To Stop A Fight… Tell your partner, friend or family member “I am sorry but I am getting really confused. I need to take a short break to be able to hear what you are saying. I know it is important. Please give me 5 minutes.”
OR like above: “Jelly roll.”
And WALK away to a separate room. Breathe deeply, get the frustration/confusion out.
Ask yourself, “What do I know?”
Give yourself a minute and you will start to clear. Write down what you know about the situation so far, if it helps.
“I am frustrated. I don’t know what she wants. We need the car. Why can’t she get that?”
Give yourself another moment to see if there is anything more you know about the situation.
When you are ready, step back in. Thank your partner for the time.
Tell them “Thank you for giving me that time. I know why I am so upset. Are you willing to sit down again?”
Wait for a ‘yes’.
“I don’t understand why you think we don’t need a car. Can you tell me your reasons? I want to know your thoughts.”
And then begin again.
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3. How To Stop A Fight – How Can I Show My Love?
How To Stop A Fight… Tell your partner, friend or family member “I love you. I want us to be better. I need to get there. I’ll be back.”
OR: “Jelly roll”
And WALK away to a separate room. Breathe deeply, get the anger and frustration out.
Use this time to get all your frustration and confusion out.
Ask yourself, “How can I show my love? How can we do this differently?”
Give yourself a minute and you will start to clear. Write it down if it helps.
When you are ready, step back in. Thank your partner for the time. Tell them…
“Thank you for giving me that time. I love you. I am sorry I got so upset. Let’s do this differently. We can be different. What do you need to feel safer with me?
I love you.”
Maybe you both need a hug? And start again.
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Ways to stop a fight… You NEVER need to scream, yell, or blow up. When you follow these steps, and STOP before you blow, you will stay so much more connected and out of that horrible pain.
BUT you both need to agree to let each other have those 5-10 minutes to stop the trajectory you are on so you can calm, and resolve.
If you are reading this and saying to yourself “That’ll never happen. I need hours to calm down!” That means you are going WAY too far in. Five to ten minutes is all you will need to calm down if it’s an argument. (Not a crisis like an affair). But most arguments are milder, careless, thoughtless, selfish situations.
Stop as soon as you know you are no longer caring about the others’ words or feelings. And take that space to return to caring for yourself first, and then the other.
You can hear Dr Heather Browne in this podcast episode!
As a relationship expert, Dr. Heather Browne has worked with thousands of individuals and couples in psychotherapy. She is published in hundreds of journals, has an active YouTube channel, has been featured on ABC-7 news, was the relationship expert on KDOC Daybreak OC, and is published in Inc., Toronto Sun, Thriving Family Magazine, Light + Life, BRAINZ, Scary Mommy, and Psychology Today. She is a regular guest blogger for both Links for Shrinks and for Marriage Friendly Therapists. Two books in final stages of pre-publication, and a TedX speaker… coming September 23.
Heather offers a weekly newsletter packed with tips and techniques to improve relationships and has monthly workshops! Simply go to her website! https://www.drheatherbrowne.com/
