The Scapegoat -V- The Golden Child
Within a manipulative, narcissistic, toxic family dynamic you will find the golden child and the scapegoat child.
The narcissistic parent will use their own children to meet their needs. One child might be chosen, because of their talents and qualities, to be the golden child. They will be promoted and put on display because it serves the narcissistic parent’s own need for validation. On the other hand the narcissistic parent uses the scapegoat child to maintain their emotional stability. The narcissist has so many conflicting emotions they are unable to handle, they use the scapegoat as the perfect outlet to project those negative emotions onto.
A narcissistic parent loves to break people up into groups so that they are more easily controlled. They will play one child off the other in order to control the narrative. There is no chance these two will team up and work against a parent when they are so deeply conditioned to mistrust or possibly even hate each other.
So who gets the better deal? The golden child or the scapegoat? Does this sound like a ridiculous question? It must be the golden child right? But within this toxic environment NOBODY is having an authentic, joyful experience. Each child is suffering in their own way for their own reasons. Let’s take a look at why.
The Scapegoat
In the bible a scapegoat is one of a pair of kid goats that is released into the wilderness taking with it all sins and impurities, while the other kid is sacrificed. Since the second goat was sent away to perish, the word “scapegoat” has developed to indicate a person who is blamed and punished for the actions of others.
The Golden Child
As the golden child you can do no wrong. You are adored and prioritised. You stand with your parent in bullying the scapegoat, and if you do anything wrong it can be blamed on the scapegoat or ignored. Whatever you achieve is celebrated and you receive lashings of praise, attention and privileges.
So life does seem pretty incredible when you are the golden child. But let’s take a closer look.
Each child in this dynamic is being assigned a role. Neither child is allowed to be their true self. There is pressure on everybody in this toxic environment.
10 Signs You Are The Golden Child
1 You are second in charge
The golden child is trained to be the narcissistic parent’s second-in-charge. You may never see how manipulative your parent actually is, because you are stuck right in the middle of the manipulation. You love your parent and you don’t see what other’s see.
2 You push yourself too hard
You have been trained by your parent to need validation from them and you are constantly out to prove to the world that you are good enough.
3 Who am I?
You don’t know who you are because you have become who your parent wants you to be. You haven’t developed into you but rather a mini version of them.
4 People Pleaser
You are a people pleaser (LINK) because you have been trained your entire life to please. It’s the only way you know how to thrive in your household.
5 Perfectionist
You are a perfectionist. You need to get everything right because that’s who you think you are. You must reach the standards set for you by your parent.
6 Indecisive
You find it hard to make your own decisions because you have been taught to do what you know will make your parent happy.
7 You feel Superior
You may feel superior to others because you have a false sense of self. You can never do anything wrong in your parent’s eyes and that has become your reality.
8 Low Self Esteem
You may struggle with feelings of low self esteem because of your deep need to achieve. You must constantly show your parent that you are living up to their expectations. Unless you are achieving you are essentially worthless.
9 Enmeshment
You may be deeply enmeshed with your parent. You have been trained to meet your parent’s needs so deeply that you have lost connection with your own needs, emotions and desires. You always put them first.
10 Difficulty in relationships
Being enmeshed with a parent can affect all of your future relationships too because you have not learnt to differentiate your needs from others. You can be needy or clingy and have difficulty implementing boundaries.
11 Signs You Are The Scapegoat
1 A second class experience
Life feels hard. You feel disconnected from your family. You know you are never prioritised and you can see your sibling is having a completely different experience to you.
2 Low Self Esteem
You have very low self esteem because you didn’t feel love or care. You feel worthless because you were constantly told you had no worth.
3 You are Depressed
You are most likely depressed. Your nervous system has been in fight or flight for years. You have dissociated from the experience you are having within your family and you feel lost and sad.
4 An angry inner critic
You have a huge inner critic. The inner critic is the voice of the people around you from birth and if that voice is toxic, then your inner critic is running wild!
5 Self hate & shame
You feel self doubt and self hate. You have been conditioned to believe that you can’t do anything right and you are unlovable. You feel hated and you learn to hate yourself.
6 You don’t try new things
You find it hard to break out and do new things because you are used to being shut down and dismissed. You have no confidence and you give up before you start.
7 You have anger issues
Being treated with no love or care your entire life has left you angry and you struggle to control those emotions.
8 You don’t trust.
You self sabotage. You block your own success. You deeply believe that getting what you want is not within your reach because it never has been. You find it hard to trust other people.
9 You are anxious
You may have developed anxiety because your nervous system has been on overload since FOREVER. You don’t trust that anything will go your way and you anticipate the worst.
10 You have PTSD
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder comes from the emotional and psychological distress of living within a family where you have been physically and emotionally abused and abandoned.
11 Eating disorders and addictions
When you are not loved and cared for you have a space within you that needs to be filled. Eating disorders and addictions may be your coping mechanism.
6 Steps to Healing
Whether you are the scapegoat or the golden child you have some healing to do. Here are 6 tips to help you heal.
1 Find a trauma informed therapist who can help you on this path to healing and coming home to yourself. (LINK)
2 Allow yourself time to grieve what has happened to you. Feel those emotions. Rage and scream. Release those emotions. Don’t hold it inside any longer. Work on this grief with your counsellor or therapist.
3 You have the opportunity to change everything about your life, because none of what has happened so far is true to who you are. Life is now a clean slate.
4 Start to get to know who you really are, underneath the label that has defined you for so long. Journal it out, question your own beliefs, try new things, really choose to participate in new things that fill you with joy.
5 Healing is a step by step journey. One step at a time. Sometimes it feels like you are going backwards. Take one small step towards the life you want to create for yourself everyday and be open to the possibilities.
6 Learn how to create boundaries around what you will and won’t accept in your life any more. Say goodbye to toxic people, even if that’s your mother.
Being the scapegoat or the golden child is tough, but knowledge is power. Understanding that you have been in a toxic dynamic is important. You now have the power to create the life you were born for.
To hear more about living as the scapegoat v the golden child tune into this episode of the podcast where Teresa is discussing her narcissistic family dynamic.
4 thoughts on “The scapegoat -v- the golden child”
I feel like I’ve been both.
Now, I’ve been estranged from my entire family for 9 months after a rage filled scream fest from my mom. Nobody in my family will talk to me & I’m beyond trying to prove my worth to people who play games and blame me for every problem in the family, even though I tried my best to shrink myself my entire life.
Luckily I have kids & a good husband. Otherwise, life wouldn’t have a hold on me.
Yes it is totally possible to switch roles over time. I am so happy to hear you are beyond trying to prove your worth. You are worthy. Continue believing that. Keep believing in you.
Narc Mother, Narc Grandmother, enabler Grandfather, enabler Father turned scapegoat after divorce, and Narc Step Father. Golden Child Brother. Me. Scapegoat.
I can say it was probably easier for me than him. hands down. No one cared what I was doing.
1980 Parents divorced
1987 Mother married step father
1989 Turned 13 moved out to Fathers
I have been NC with Narc Mother 16 years now. Since before I even knew what that was.
GC Brother – Flying Monkey
Narc Grandmother – Flying Monkey. To the day she died.
Enabler Grandfather died years before I knew what this even was.
Recently Narc Step Father died. I couldn’t care less. Thank God. Really.
GC Brother calls says “why don’t you care about this” Me “just don’t that’s all”.
Narc Mother called my principal once (I lived 1800 miles away from her at this time) and told him he should kick me out of school, I “wasn’t worth the tax dollars”. Since I just turned 18, he called me in his office. He told me this was a highly unusual phone call. Normally he gets calls from parents to not kick their kid out of school, He had never got a call from a parent asking him to remove their child from school rolls. He asked me what was my relationship with my mother. I told him none. He said I am 18 now he will no longer speak to her about me.
This happened prior to the first day of my senior year.
Stepdad was a nightmare to live with. I only made it a little while. He was as bad or worst than my mother. GC, had it made in the shade. Does not remember anything.
I was always in trouble. always.
Get a B on report card? Grounded. 4 months. Meaning into my room with the door shut every day after school until dinner then bath that’s it. then on weekends as well if I was there.
Starving after school? Sorry you get your one meal at night when dinner is ready. Not a minute before.
Dont want to eat bologna on white bread with no mayonnaise or anything else for dinner? You will sit there until you eat it .
No drinking liquid with meals. Only after you had cleaned your plate. Better not leave one bite.
I did not eat the frickin bologna. To this day the smell repels me. Spent alot of nights sleeping at the table.
I did eat food after school . The minute I opened the fridge my stepdad was on the phone reporting me to my mother at work.
I did get Bs on my report card
And I did drink during meals.
Sorry dude. Gen x. in your face.
Gc. He ticks every box.
I flew by the seat of my pants after I moved out. It has been a grand adventure. I had alot of friends and had so much fun. I have lived mostly poor my whole life. I wouldn’t trade it. I wouldn’t do it any different. My life is so rich in friendships and experiences my Gc brother has yet to have.
My brother graduated college with 2 degrees. Has had 6 DUIs. Countless failed relationships throughout life. He still, can do no wrong.
Does it suck to have such a broken family? Sure, but I didn’t pick it. It was circumstantial, and it was the result of a Preset personality of people in my family, that came way before I existed. They all re-enforced each other. Stuck in a perpetual cycle of destruction. I just chose to opt out. Come hell or high-water. I was walking the path outside the chaos. I decided this when I was very young. Was I going to be poor? Probably, I had no backup. I did my own thing. I still do.
Was I offered the way to the high life? Yes. I was. But it came with all the strings. And I decided I wasn’t signing that contract. Not then. Not ever.
I don’t know if it is a generational thing or not, because it does seem like the majority of Boomer Parents fit this build. If it wasn’t we wouldn’t have all been Latchkey kids. History will say that we were latchkey kids because it got so expensive mothers had to go to work. I think reality is our mothers all divorced our dads and decided they were going to be independent of family life. That has consequences.
Then as a result, things did get more expensive. And they all. Got really selfish. The dads were jilted from the wrath or abandonment, the moms were nose high in the air I’m independent. Thus Latchkey was born. We basically all raised ourselves. And Narcissism True, became not only accepted, but mainstream.
Now was it there before? Sure. But not even close to the same in numbers.
I think it then just built on itself up and up and up to where the behavior of me me me is now not just mainstream but it is praised. Me me me is all over every page of every article of every newspaper, I don’t care what it is in reference to. It is present. Celebrated. Normal. Selfi Society in the house. We literally live in a society built on top of and around narcissism. Its really no longer a singular Dx. Its society at large.
All About Me = broken families = broken people = broken society
Wow. Your story is immense. I love how you understood how much you needed to stop contact with your family and you made it happen regardless of anything else. If you ever want to share your experiences on the podcast, please let me know. Others would get a lot from hearing your story and your strength.